Im worried. After my performance, I stepped down from the stage to get to the door; get some fresh air but, I had to shake everyone's hand on the way there. So... It took a while.
The reason I didnt start the story before my performance is because I dont want to toot my own horn, as they say. But, yes I did a very good job. And yes I did battle this cat named Street Legal on stage. Yes I did win...
Im trying to write this without being what I call journalist-corny. Which means writing an experience down all fantastically with all kinds of unnecessary enthusiasm and magic... But writing this and knowing someone is reading it makes me want to write entertainingly. But then, this isnt about you, this is about me...which is what im having a problem deciphering.
See, I noticed that everytime I was introduced to someone by Susan, I would refer to myself as O.D. But really Im Demetrius...I think... I mean... Demetrius is my identity... I mean...
Why didnt I introduce myself as Demetrius? I mean, that is my name. But... O.D is my name too/now. You may think I'm over analyzing this but I feel like to say that I am O.D, is to say that I am not Demetrius...anymore. Or is it all one in the same?
Im worried. I kind of feel like Peter Parker when he started becoming Venom. Its like O.D is trying to synthesize with my personality or something... Yes, I look at it as an entity of its own...Slowly fusing with my own identity.
And as O.D becomes more famous or respected, so shall Demetrius, right?
But people dont know Im Demetrius, they think i'm O.D. And I...I guess the question is, "am I O.D too?, or is it just a nickname?" Is it just subservant to Demetrius?
So after I walk to the Gas Station down the street to get a cappachino, I come back to Fifth Element to just hang around. People are asking me for my number and giving me their's and its...flattering. Theyre telling me how talented I am and I respond shy as hell. Trying to be humble and modest.
There was this one Emcee in particular.. Wait... I mean this one guy. Wait... Do I refer of him as an emcee or a guy?...
Ok, let me get my thoughts together...
... Well, he tells me that my lyrics are refreshing. And another guy tells me that he's inspired to write better. And Im thinking to myself "who takes the credit on this? O.D? or Demetrius?"
It seems to me that im going to have to find out if O.D is a name or an Identity. Is it the identity of Demetrius and Demetrius is the personality of O.D? Or is everything in reverse? Or am I Demetrius evovling into O.D?
I wonder if this some path laid out by Hiphop for me to begin evolving. Or maybe becoming Hiphop is making me share traits with it. Hiphop seems to transcend the identities of race, cultures and other affiliations with the world. So maybe its natural that I do the same.
Eh... I dont know.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
The Blue Nile
Sigh... eh.. one of those days. One of those days where you just feel like bleh...take inventory on your life and realize you haven't really been accomplishing anything. Or even if you have, its not as satisfying as you want it to be. So it insists that you haven't accomplished "enough".
Sigh.. Well i'm glad I caught myself. And its a good thing I love to write too, so im just venting... Its easy to get caught in the blues. Sometimes im bluesy out of habit and nothing else...I just get so used to doing it that it becomes a bit of a comfort zone for me...Its a complicated emotion.
That's probably why I felt a little if-y about going to the Blue Nile for the first time last Tuesday (its Saturday now). I mean, when I left I felt vulnerable because I didnt do my little ritual where I self-doubt myself and come up with a reason not to go... I just got dressed and hopped on the bus. Had to be around 9:30 at night...
I didnt get there until after 10:30 though on account of the buses run so slowly at night... So I had some time to walk around Downtown and consider goin' on back home.. Found myself on 8th and Nicollet in a Bus Shelter with 4 other people contemplating whether or not I was goin to do it..
This drunkard walks in the scene all goofy and talkative; breaking the silence. He was this old black guy; well-dressed I suppose. I dont know why but the guy suddenly gets all self-pitying talking about how he needs to stop drinking and get his life together and...go see his kids or somethin'. Not talking to anyone in particular...Just.. looking off in the distance with his back to us... I dont know, somethin about his sorrow made me snap out of my own bluesy trance and get on the 22 bus down to Franklin and Cedar. And I'll admit, the closer I got to the venue, the better I started to feel..
I liked the place, it was sexy. I guess it was a bar type place? With a stage and a dancefloor.. Look, I don't get out alot ok? Well anyway, I met Desdamona again and this time I introduced myself. I didn't get to perform on account of being so damn late.. But I stayed until about Midnight; just people-watchin'.
I know I always say this but, there was this really sexy woman there that caught my eye.. which is saying something because I was blind as hell that night. I left the house without my glasses or contact lenses not knowing what was going to happen to me. Stupidity or bravery?
Anyway, going to that Urban-Sexy venue gave me a bit of a reality check on where I want to be in my life. I just turned 20 a month ago and Im still bitchin like a 19 year old...And im in highschool... Thats not what I want. Just talked to a old friend from middle school who says he's starting college on Monday..
Im starting to notice that every time I go out on one of these HipHop adventures, I not only find truth's of the world but I find a new truth in myself that I wasnt able to see by just sitting in the house all introverted and shit... I'm watching these musician's from backstage and everyone is passing me you know? Back and forth, back and forth with guitars and... notebooks and drinks and smiles and... I said to myself..I said: " Im in the way..."
I said to myself "im not in their league...", I live with my pops and I dont have a job. I just realized my smarts and talents didnt count for shit at that moment. I felt like a ghost watching Desdamona work that show. And all those musicians and conversations and friends and friends and such and I wasn't apart of it? I felt like this: I was right there and nobody even saw me....Its like HipHop is telling me to grow up.
*Huh...
Sigh.. Well i'm glad I caught myself. And its a good thing I love to write too, so im just venting... Its easy to get caught in the blues. Sometimes im bluesy out of habit and nothing else...I just get so used to doing it that it becomes a bit of a comfort zone for me...Its a complicated emotion.
That's probably why I felt a little if-y about going to the Blue Nile for the first time last Tuesday (its Saturday now). I mean, when I left I felt vulnerable because I didnt do my little ritual where I self-doubt myself and come up with a reason not to go... I just got dressed and hopped on the bus. Had to be around 9:30 at night...
I didnt get there until after 10:30 though on account of the buses run so slowly at night... So I had some time to walk around Downtown and consider goin' on back home.. Found myself on 8th and Nicollet in a Bus Shelter with 4 other people contemplating whether or not I was goin to do it..
This drunkard walks in the scene all goofy and talkative; breaking the silence. He was this old black guy; well-dressed I suppose. I dont know why but the guy suddenly gets all self-pitying talking about how he needs to stop drinking and get his life together and...go see his kids or somethin'. Not talking to anyone in particular...Just.. looking off in the distance with his back to us... I dont know, somethin about his sorrow made me snap out of my own bluesy trance and get on the 22 bus down to Franklin and Cedar. And I'll admit, the closer I got to the venue, the better I started to feel..
I liked the place, it was sexy. I guess it was a bar type place? With a stage and a dancefloor.. Look, I don't get out alot ok? Well anyway, I met Desdamona again and this time I introduced myself. I didn't get to perform on account of being so damn late.. But I stayed until about Midnight; just people-watchin'.
I know I always say this but, there was this really sexy woman there that caught my eye.. which is saying something because I was blind as hell that night. I left the house without my glasses or contact lenses not knowing what was going to happen to me. Stupidity or bravery?
Anyway, going to that Urban-Sexy venue gave me a bit of a reality check on where I want to be in my life. I just turned 20 a month ago and Im still bitchin like a 19 year old...And im in highschool... Thats not what I want. Just talked to a old friend from middle school who says he's starting college on Monday..
Im starting to notice that every time I go out on one of these HipHop adventures, I not only find truth's of the world but I find a new truth in myself that I wasnt able to see by just sitting in the house all introverted and shit... I'm watching these musician's from backstage and everyone is passing me you know? Back and forth, back and forth with guitars and... notebooks and drinks and smiles and... I said to myself..I said: " Im in the way..."
I said to myself "im not in their league...", I live with my pops and I dont have a job. I just realized my smarts and talents didnt count for shit at that moment. I felt like a ghost watching Desdamona work that show. And all those musicians and conversations and friends and friends and such and I wasn't apart of it? I felt like this: I was right there and nobody even saw me....Its like HipHop is telling me to grow up.
*Huh...
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