Voices Merging

I am so... sleepy... but i said I was going to write this so I am. Oh I wish i could upload some pictures for you guys but, unfortunately I need a new camera so you'll have to settle for my writings in bare form for now.
I arrived home laughing; it was a good night. I had arrived a little too late to sign up for the performers list so I found myself signing up for the audience list instead which I detest a bit. But it was worth it, I got to see local Hip Hop Royalty Desdamona and Carnage rip the mic.
Its pretty cool, Carnage recognized me from the event in St. Paul that I attended to with the HSRA choir, though I performed independently. So I felt and still feel really bad about not having that video ready yet for Rachel and its been so long. Well that was the least of my worries at the time because guess who I bumped into for the first time in a long while?
My First love from 4 or 5 years ago was there at the open Mic. Woah, im falling asleep at the computer. I'll elaborate later on today. Peace


Okay so I got some sleep, where was I going with this? Oh yeah, I saw Jazzmin there with another girl i'd known since middle school. They recognized me right off bat which was kind of wierd to me... There was no hesitation when they saw me just "Hey Demetrius!" and then hugs... And seeing them was nice but there was something more interesting to watch once I sat down to watch the performances. I didn't catch her name and we all know im too shy to just walk up to her and ask when other people are around (that's my excuse). She was pretty. Long black hair and glasses...probably in her 20's and I guess she was one of the Voices Merging visual artists... I don't know, I don't want to ramble too much because if I do, this whole blog will be about me on this HipHop quest to find her on some Brown Sugar shit and probably get the story turned into a movie...
Well when I got home that mixed emotion became inspiration to begin writing this song im going to call "pick-up line". Its funny, When I write I construct these fantasies and I see these...scenes when I write... Especially when writing about a person in particular. My creative energy combined with pen, pad and a heavy beat some how put me in this...meditation and I begin to write out the things I see in my minds eye through english.
In this case I wrote out a scene so vividly I could almost...almost... almost... I could almost reach out and touch her... It may be strange to you 5-9ers, but to the artist this is normal. I've never even spoken to this girl and yet i've already developed a relationship with her that she doesn't even know about...its kinda like I heard Desdamona say while she was on the mic with it: "all you ever helped me with was write this rhyme..." (I may have misquoted).
If you take a look at one of my rhymebooks you will see lyrics from front to back and think "Wow this guy has alot of rhymes he's trying to turn into songs" but truly, My rhymebooks are full of fantasies Im trying to turn into reality but I lack something... Confidence I think. Its almost self-sabotage because I do have the confidence, we all do, I just dont let myself go there yet for some reason. Im slowly starting to lose that habit though. Its strange, something is changing me. And I dont want to sound corny but I think its HipHop somehow. Its helping me to become more and more like how I picture myself in my head...

*Shrugs

The Beat Assassin Project

So i am currently working with quite a few producers and they are expecting some good stuff. Well, you see the misery of the Hip Hop producer when he gives his/her beat to an Emcee is that sometimes the emcee never delivers you know? And its very dissapointing becuasce the Emcee gets the producer all hyped up and sometimes never delivers the goods. Sometimes this makes some producers get kind of mean or "touchy" about their beats and they develop a bit of a resentment toward emcee's.. Its true.
Well thats how it is in 2011 anyway, but thats not too different from 20 years ago during the transition from The light age of Hip Hop (1980-1990) to the golden age of Hip Hop (1990-2000) when the emcee's left their DJ's/turntablists to pursue contracts with corporations creating "hip-hop".. As Teacha' says man, Once the Golden Era hit, Graffiti, Breakdancing and Turntablin' no longer were seen as relevant means of expressing Hip Hop in Mainstream America; Rapping was now solely the relevant definition of what it meant to be a Hiphoppa... (to the naked eye) so alot of emcee's sold out and left their DJ's.
But im rambling, my Beat Assassin project is a series of mixtapes produced by these randomly fantastic people I stumble across. Its almost an apology on behalf of emcee's because it really is all about the beats. Well thats the way im going to present the tapes anyway. In doing this project I hope to bridge at least MY connection back to the DJ's/Producers and open up a new chamber in my HipHop growth process.
Well thats the goal. But I need a deadline for each project because I have these producers well... kind of fucked up. Especially my good friend Quality, who I like to refer to as Johnny Boy Wonder. We've been working on his tape for 2 months now and havent really gotten anything solid laid down. And he deserves this tape done by the end of April.
Also CVS the abstract, who caught my ear by way of youtube, we connected through facebook and I've written 3, 4 or 5 songs to his and havent gotten the recordings done just yet. He got me up on Reverbnation by the way.
I know im kind of going all over the place but do you want to know what my ultimate tape would be? Flying Lotus... Man... I wish I could meet this guy just once you know? I admit I cannot grasp the magnitude of his ambitions but the music speaks to me. And I kinda... dream of being on his label. Well first things first right? Gotta get to work!

Rap Names

Well, haven't been performing... and I probably spelled "haven't" wrong just now too... does the apostrophe go before or after the n? Oh well, maybe I'll just say "have not" from now on.. Anyway, Im working on my album/mixtape so I have not been doing any performing or doing any of my Hip Hop documentation. I need to though. I owe it to a woman named Rachel Johnson that I met at this community performance I went to with the HSRA choir...But later for that...
I'll be recording it this weekend, the album. Its called "I'm Angry". I am pretty much just lyrically/comedically attacking everything that's making me angry in Hip Hop right now. From skinny jeans to chicks-who-are-hot-and-pretend-that-they-are-good-people-but-are-really-hoes-that-have-had-sex-with-basically-all-of-my-music-associates-because-she-doesnt-seem-like-the-type-but-she-is-the-type-that-tramp type stuff..
Rappers turned singers, mark ass tricks, trick ass marks, scallywops and scallywags...
Also, I've taken on a new emcee name. Well, I should say I've taken on another alias: O.D. Why? I feel it captures my internal ambitions more... I'm still Knowone though...

Not quite depression and yet not quite anger...

I could probably do alot. Im talented. I did another Open Mic a few weeks ago but... havent edited the video yet. Guess your expecting to read my charming writings and get a read on me. There's really nothing to read though...
I guess this is one of my rants I go on when im feeling down...
I dont remember there being any long period in my life in which I was happy, or at peace on a consistant basis. Instead Im usually sad with small periods of joy. But still, I dont remember the last period of joy or what I was doing or what it made it joyful.
I dont know what I... what I want to really do... I just.
Im very lonely. Even when surrounded by people.
So say I go ahead on this musical career path as a strangely fantastic Hip Hop rapper and producer and journalist/writer... I do shows, people cheer... we take pictures, they tell all their friends... I tell all my friends... We facebook, we twitter, we yahoo...
I'll be 20 this sunday... It'll be my 20th time around the sun. I... dont know what im trying to write anymore. Just a bunch of cleverly worded sadness about me being pessimistic about the future... All because im... I think im probably heartbroken. I just didnt realize it because this would be... the 4th or 5th one... I remember the 1st two had some more feeling to the pain. Perhaps... im nerve damaged or numb now. Or just dont care anymore.

I used to be more optimistic... "oh this'll transfer over to good energy" etc... I was able to use my imagination to marginalize the pain into something i can get over...and... that would give some hope to the whole "oh, there's someone out there" thing... But im running out of idea's...
I guess that's why all those celebrities in showbiz do all that cocaine. How would you feel to find out that instead of less heartbreak and more freedom you recieve more heartbreak and less freedom? Well, I've never done drugs and I do not drink liquor. Cleanliness is next to godliness as they say... but... im starting to feel like Atlas, the greek titan/god, holding the earth up on his back... Down on one knee from the weight of the world...
Sad, isnt it?
Its the path i've chosen though. even though... all path's seem to have a lot of sadness to them, even if I were a emcee of rockstar mentality (parties, drugs, sex etc.), Theyre just as lonely as me. I dont know what im trying to get at, I just... with all my wisdom and knowledge, i feel like i dont know anything...
This path of honor I walk... hurts...
well, they say pain is weakness leaving the body...
We'll see.