Never Land

Didnt make graduation.
Went to HSRA today to meet with Renee, my science teacher about my final essays but she was too busy. It seems that I'll have to wait until September. which I have heard will actually be more advantageous to me than not. It just makes me feel a bit inadequate.
My attendance at school is pretty horrible. Mostly because of all my adventuring. I've fallen in love with the city. TSo somehow I find myself in arguement with a teacher at the school about a head scarf I just begun wearing a few days ago. Its a big green scarf that I made out of a silky looking blanket and it wraps around my head like a Hijaab.
So I find myself in a teachers office like some kind of child.
I didnt come to start any trouble. I just wanted to get my credits and get the fuck out of there because my artistic identity doesnt match up with my scholarly identity - meaning I should have my diploma by now. And mentally i fell like I do already... so "following school rules" is super-uncool.
The dudes telling me to take my scarf off. I tell him I cant, its apart of my culture.
"What culture?"
"I cant tell you."
I wasnt trying to be a smartass, but I was getting pissed off so I just was saying whatever to get him off my back.
Long story short the dude thinks im wearing the scarf now because Im a five percenter muslim and I cant show my hair to anyone. Im not a muslim and Im not hiding my hair. Look, i'll tell you. Im wearing this because of my celibacy/abstinance.
I... had my first musicians fling a month ago and I felt really sour about it. On my way home from the library downtown I ran into an old friend and she was so taken by my ideas and abilities that I guess she wanted to have sex with me because im a dope emcee. I woke up in the morning feeling wack but she seemed to be in good fucking spirits about the whole thing. Like thats the way things are SUPPOSED to be...
SO I decided to put this on because im ashamed of myself. And I know a little about Muslim women and how they cover their faces because well...the men are supposed to love them for more than just their looks. And let me tell you, those Somalian girls are really sexy. So I thought about it and I decided to cover my face for the same reasons.
I get up in the morning and I get dressed - i think we all do to some degree - in a way pertaining to how I want to attract people. And personally I think I attract what I like. But if im single because of what I have attracted - single and a bit lonely i'll admit - if i am single because of what I have attracted, and I've gotten dressed in dictation of what I want to attract, then I believe I cannot trust myself with my happiness. For look how I am alone. So I've decided to try and un-attract women and kill off all my sexual desires by wearing this scarf.
Thus, "I cant take this off", I keep tellin the guy. Now this guys like the principle of the school and he's a Freemason. He's telling me I have to listen to him because he's my administrator and thats just the way of the world. I mean... he's really letting me have it. Now, I dont know much about the Mason's but I do know they study both the Bible and the Quran so he's got some pretty dope knowledge, im sure. Plus he was in the Navy back in his day so he knows how the world works. So he's telling me that I have to compromise sometimes and thats just how it is...
I happen to be currently reading the Autobiography of Assata Shakur. Some of ya'll may have heard her name through the whole "CNN vs. Common" debacle because of that Poem he spit at the White House about a month ago. Assata is a Revolutionary; think Black Panther. She got fucked over for fighting what she believed in. Like im talkin... Police brutality and political corruption here.
Its inspiring though and It makes me reflect on how far I myself am willing to fight when all odds are against me.
I mean...this is small-scale shit - take off your scarf or you have to leave the school - But I felt at that moment like "I wonder what Assata Shakur would do?" and I decided to keep my scarf on because I believe in my philosophy. But... What if I get pulled over on the New Jersey Turnpike by the State troopers while in the car with 2 of my friends and their telling me we have to take our scarves off because we look like "terrorists"?
And then what if those troopers kill one of my friends and beat me and the other friend within a inch of our life? Will I take it off then?
What if they take me to the hospital and try to get me to talk and I refuse to talk without a lawyer present or some shit, and then they beat me while in the hospital? What if they bum-rush the case so my lawyer doesnt have time to prepare a solid defense and try me while im still in the hospital room like they did Assata? And then hold me in solitary confinement for who knows how long until the real trials begin like a month later? In a cell with centipedes and I have to use the restroom while somebody watches me?

I shudder a bit...
Well that shit kind of pissed me off so I went to the Pre-production room to finish up some beats and found out I didnt have the worse day at all. My good friend Nzinga is telling me about a friend of hers, a good guy - kinda looks like mos def - who tried to commit suicide. Cut his own neck, tried to kill himself. He's tells her that he's sick of chicks breakin his heart and then he just goes for it. Nzinga is all "why i gotta be the one he tell's?" but, m thinkin' empathetically with the dude; He's tryin' to kill himself cause he cant get anyone to love him.
In my phone, I have 6 contacts named "Illusion". They are girls who have broken my heart either partially or totally... 3 of those Illusions go to the school. And since HSRA is so small, I tend to cross paths with em occasionally. At a turn around a corner, or a walk into a room. Everytime I see one - and they see me seeing them but we pretend like the other doesnt exist - I die a little bit and then walk away.
I fell in love with these muthafucka's man... And then she or she comes to school with her make-up all made up and her perfume and her new hairstyles and I watch her. I watch her do to other dudes exactly what she did to me. She led me on and she lied to me. 

But, Is heartbreak worth commiting suicide? Well... would you rather die or would you rather live feeling like you're dying? I tell ya, thats one of the main reasons I keep my eyes to myself when I'm on my daily commute. Looking at beautiful women; seductresses... Is hard for me after having been heartbroken a few times. And I think this scarf keeps them away anyway...
I dont know, maybe im just an escapist... Hiding in the city under HipHop's protective wing. And that whole, "this is the way of the world" thing, "no if's, and's, or but's" about it thing that teacher was talking about? He's probably right. Somehow I feel like HipHop is going to protect me though. Its corny, I dont know how many of you all seen the movie Peter Pan but, HipHop is kinda like Neverland, if you think about it.; You can kind of stay there and never have to grow up...