I could probably do alot. Im talented. I did another Open Mic a few weeks ago but... havent edited the video yet. Guess your expecting to read my charming writings and get a read on me. There's really nothing to read though...
I guess this is one of my rants I go on when im feeling down...
I dont remember there being any long period in my life in which I was happy, or at peace on a consistant basis. Instead Im usually sad with small periods of joy. But still, I dont remember the last period of joy or what I was doing or what it made it joyful.
I dont know what I... what I want to really do... I just.
Im very lonely. Even when surrounded by people.
So say I go ahead on this musical career path as a strangely fantastic Hip Hop rapper and producer and journalist/writer... I do shows, people cheer... we take pictures, they tell all their friends... I tell all my friends... We facebook, we twitter, we yahoo...
I'll be 20 this sunday... It'll be my 20th time around the sun. I... dont know what im trying to write anymore. Just a bunch of cleverly worded sadness about me being pessimistic about the future... All because im... I think im probably heartbroken. I just didnt realize it because this would be... the 4th or 5th one... I remember the 1st two had some more feeling to the pain. Perhaps... im nerve damaged or numb now. Or just dont care anymore.
I used to be more optimistic... "oh this'll transfer over to good energy" etc... I was able to use my imagination to marginalize the pain into something i can get over...and... that would give some hope to the whole "oh, there's someone out there" thing... But im running out of idea's...
I guess that's why all those celebrities in showbiz do all that cocaine. How would you feel to find out that instead of less heartbreak and more freedom you recieve more heartbreak and less freedom? Well, I've never done drugs and I do not drink liquor. Cleanliness is next to godliness as they say... but... im starting to feel like Atlas, the greek titan/god, holding the earth up on his back... Down on one knee from the weight of the world...
Sad, isnt it?
Its the path i've chosen though. even though... all path's seem to have a lot of sadness to them, even if I were a emcee of rockstar mentality (parties, drugs, sex etc.), Theyre just as lonely as me. I dont know what im trying to get at, I just... with all my wisdom and knowledge, i feel like i dont know anything...
This path of honor I walk... hurts...
well, they say pain is weakness leaving the body...
We'll see.
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